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Hello my friends I pray all is well with everyone, I don’t know about ya’ll but I’m extremely disappointed, and angry about New York passing that RIDICULOUS ABORTION BILL WHERE THE BABIES CAN NOW BE ABORTED UP TO DELIVERY, ANY UNLICENSED MEDICAL PERSON CAN NOW PEROFRM THE ABORTIONS, AND LASTLY, ANY WOMAN CAN ABORT HER BABY AT HOME AND NOT BE CHARGED WITH A CRIME, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If I didn’t have PTSD prior to this bill, I definitely have it now because I am so angry with what they’re doing to OUR BABIES. THESE PEOPLE CARE MORE ABOUT ANIMAL MISTREATMENT THAN THEY DO THE BABIES. I’ve been all over the place emotionally, I’ve cried for these children, I’ve cried for the ignorance and lack of compassion of the legislators and I’ve cried for all those who are supporting this nonsense. My mom is continuing in her PTSD behaviors, she’s still trying to convince me that this man she’s with will be different from her NOW EX HUSBAND but I don’t believe anything she says, ACTUALLY I REALLY DON’T KNOW MOST OF WHAT SHE SAYS BECAUSE I WOULD DROP MY EARBUDS ON THE FLOOR ONCE SHE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HIM.

She and my cousin are definitely at odds over this man, I’ve tried to tell my cousin to just let mama alone, LEAVE HER BE, she says this is her life and she will live it the way she wants so the only thing we as her kids can do is LET HER LIVE IT, BUT LIVE IT ALONE. It’s in God’s hands now, all I will do is continue to pray God to keep her safe from any further hurt, harm, or danger HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GET MAMA BACK ON TRACK. I, on the other hand am dealing with my own PTSD, I’m finally coming to terms  with my issues resulting from traumas from my past, I’m seeking help through the VA for military related sexual trauma I experienced during my tour of duty, I’d blocked it out of my mind all these years but since I’ve decided to open up to you my followers about my experiences it’s opening up floodgates of emotions and memories I’d buried for years on end.

One of my drill sergeants in basic training had sex with me and one of my permanent duty station sergeants did as well. There was little to no resistance from me at that time, I really didn’t have a choice, after all they were my bosses I had no choice but to comply or risk getting an article 15 or dishonorable discharged out of the army and I didn’t want that after all the hard work it took for me to get into the army in the first place. I buried those experiences in the back of my mind for years out of fear of receiving a dishonorable discharge even after all this time. I remember being “buck wild” after that, PROMISCUITY BECAME MY BEST FRIEND, I felt dirty and unworthy of love then and I feel dirty and unworthy of love at times now and that is because of PTSD.

PTSD causes me to live in an alternate universe, (at least that’s what it seems like at times) I feel like I’m living outside myself, watching MYSELF GO THROUGH ALL THESE EXPERIENCES IN LIFE without the full experience of it, I’m cheating myself out of the abundant life Christ has for me to live, PTSD has blocked my heart from opening up to receive REAL LOVE AND EMOTIONS FROM A MAN out of fear of being controlled, abused, and hurt by them. I’m tired of living this way, I have a lot of love to give the right man that God has for me, I thought it was the man from my previous posts but looking back now that we’re not dealing in that capacity anymore I realize he’s not the man for me and I’m actually okay with that.

The opportunity for love has presented itself to me from a whole different source I never even considered, this person has been on my radar but only in passing here and there, I never considered being interested in him other than friendship but he approached me respectfully and plead his case to me (WE OLD SCHOOLERS WOULD CALL IT “MACKIN'”) and I turned him down at first out of fear but then quickly changed my mind as he continued to say things I was interested in hearing, I am now considering being with him but FEAR HAS ME FROZEN IN TIME, I’m so afraid of getting hurt it’s not him, it’s all me, I need to seek professional help to deal with my PTSD or it will keep me from enjoying life to it’s fullest with the love of THIS PARTICULAR GOOD MAN AND HE IS A GOOD MAN.

In the meantime I will take things slowly, moving at a snail’s pace to make sure I get the help I need to be set free from the bondage of PTSD so that I wont take it out on this kind man who wants to be with me in every way possible and to take care of me and my daughter, I MUST LEARN TO RELAX AND LET HIM, BELIEVE ME, IT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I will continue to seek the Lord during this time through HIS WORD, we both know that if we build our relationship in HIM He will build our relationship IN EACH OTHER AND THAT WILL BE THE BEST THING FOR US AS A COUPLE.  Ya’ll pray for me (us) and we will pray for ya’ll, BY THE WAY, I’VE GIVEN HIM HIS OWN SPECIAL NAME THAT ONLY I CAN CALL HIM AND THAT NAME IS DAVID. I’ve given him this name because I can see that he will be a man AFTER MY OWN HEART JUST LIKE KING DAVID WAS A MAN AFTER GOD’S OWN HEART IN THE BIBLE. THANK YOU LORD FOR YOUR LOVE FOR US EVEN WHEN WE’RE NOT ACTING LOVABLE, IN JESUS’ NAME WE PRAY, AMEN. BE BLESSED MY PEEPS ALL DAY EVERYDAY

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