adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on

A little over a week ago I had the best outing I’ve had in years, I invited a guy I thought was interested in spending time with me (because we’ve been seeing each other pretty regular as of late), to go with me onto the General Jackson Showboat & Cruise. We had a wonderful time the food, the show, the hospitality, and the friendly passengers made it one of the most memorable times I’ve had and will never forget. We spent this week together as much as we could then all of a sudden out of no where THINGS SUDDENLY CHANGED, I have no idea what happened, one day we’re having fun, the next we’re barely speaking to each and I’M ROYALLY PISSED OFF ABOUT IT.  I thought we were past this stage in our relationship after all we’ve known each other for 5 years we’ve hung out time after time, I have expressed to him a desire for a long term relationship but he has refused to settle down out of fear of being hurt, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, YADA, YADA, YADA.

I’m really mad right now but I’m hurt even more, once again men are taking advantage of my kindness and I DON’T LIKE IT. The one thing people don’t know or understand is that when a person is molested especially by a parent or family member who’s in an authority figure role all sorts of feelings begin forming inside our minds and emotions like anger, hurt, fear, betrayal, pain, and rejection. I still struggle with all those emotions even today, my biggest ones are anger and rejection, I HATE REJECTION especially when it’s not warranted. I’ve been putting my all into developing a friendship with this man, one minute he’s acting like we’re in a relationship by taking me out on dates, inviting my daughter along onto our outings, cooking our favorite meals, giving my daughter fatherly advice, buying her things, all the actions a single mother would consider potential long term mate possibilities then out of no where he begins to withdraw and accuse me of falling in love with him and he’s just not ready for that type of commitment.

WHAT CRAP!! THIS IS TOTAL CRAP, I don’t like it and I’m not falling for it this time, he has accused me before of this and I would give him the benefit of the doubt simply to keep the peace but not this time, I’M ANGRY (YES WE PRECHER KIDS GET ANGRY) AND I JUST DON’T CARE RIGHT NOW, as far as I’m concerned he has hurt me for the last time I can’t keep putting myself out there only to keep getting rejected by these men who are scared of commitment, (or at least with me) maybe it is me, maybe I’m meant to be single for my entire life, I was born and raised an only child, HEY I should be use to being alone. I don’t know why I keep allowing him to do this to me, IT’S ULTIMATELY UP TO ME TO DECIDE WHOM I ALLOW IN MY LIFE TO MISTREAT ME, I keep choosing the same types of men, the one’s who are EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE ,WOMANIZING, SELF CENTERED, AND SELFISH just like my father was to me and my mom and just like previous times I’m left to pick up the pieces to my broken heart while trying to maintain my Christianity in the process.

I want to tell him off so bad I can taste it, I’ve cried off and on throughout the day from the anger and hurt I’m feeling right now. I’m more angry at myself for falling for his CRAP AGAIN I thought this time was different but I’m finding out that the only difference is his approach and tactics, I feel he has learned how to manipulate vulnerable women like me. Men who string along and mistreat single mothers are in my opinion men who lack character and are not worth my time or emotions. Ya’ll just don’t know how much I want to act like most women by breaking things. stalking, cutting tires, breaking windshields, etc… but I know I can’t because I’m a Christian and a preacher kid, I know the bible says I’m to forgive my brother 7 X 70 when he wrongs me, it’s not easy for me by far, sometimes I hate being the one who has to act CHRIST LIKE, I want to act like the devil sometimes  then I remember what the bible says in Galatians 6:7 BE NOT DECEIVED GOD IS NOT MOCKED FOR WHATEVER YOU SOW,  THAT YOU SHALL ALSO REAP, IF YOU SOW TO THE FLESH, YOU REAP CORRUPTION BUT WHEN YOU SOW TO YOUR SPIRIT YOU REAP LIFE EVERLASTING and I don’t know about you but I want life everlasting, how about you?

In order for me to earn my trip into eternal life with the Lord I must LOVE THE LORD THY GOD WITH ALL MY HEART, SOUL, AND MIND, AND MY NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. MATTHEW 22:37-39, I must study my bible, pray for others, tell others about His goodness and mercy in my life and I must repent from all my sins asking God to help me live a holy life, I have my days, I have my moments of failure, all I can do now is to learn from this mistake just like I did before, try to forgive my friend for hurting me AGAIN (I said TRY) and refocus my energy on my child and the Lord I know it’s a decision that will never fail me nor let me down. I know Jesus loves me, He sees the very best in me even when men don’t, He knows what’s best for me and whom He has that’s best for me so I will just wait for him to do HIS THING IN MY LIFE, I’M SOOOO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!

I must tell Jesus, I must tell Jesus, I can not bear these burdens alone, for I have touched the hem of His garment and His blood has made me whole. My heart will be whole again, I will get over my hurt, I will continue to DO ME and I will learn to love ME more in the process. Thank you Lord for healing, I love you. I feel better already thanks to your love for me. BE BLESSED

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